Memo to Employees
Memo to all employees:
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.)
We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the course, please see your supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.)
Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T.)
Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already. If you are full of S.H.I.T. you may be interested in a job teaching others.
We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LIST of LEADERS (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.)
For employees who are intending to pursue a career in management and consulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T.) This course emphasizes how to manage M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T.
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.)
Thank you,
BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G.S.H.I.T.)
P.S. Now send this S.H.I.T. to 5 people who need S.H.I.T. in their life, just not the same person who sent you this S.H.I.T. Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
The Director Under the Main Bureau of Super High Intensity Training.
(The D.U.M.B.S.H.I.T.)
Who Shot The Bear?
An 80 year old man is having his annual check-up at his doctor's office
He says to the doctor, "I've never felt better in my whole life. In fact, I have a 20 year old bride who's pregnant and having my child. What do you think of that?"
The doctor thinks for a second and then says, "Let me tell you a story. I know this guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a hunting season. But one day he's in a hurry to go hunting and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his rifle. So he's in the woods and suddenly a giant grizzly bear appears out of nowhere. He raises his umbrella, points at the bear, squeezes the handle and the bear drops dead in front of him. What do you think of that?"
The old man says, "That's impossible. Someone else must have shot that bear!”
"EXACTLY" says the doctor.
Get me Bra!!
"Mum, can I ask you something?"
"Sure! What is it about?"
"You see, I'm already fourteen and... I think it's just proper that I should own one."
"And what is this 'one' you're referring to?"
"Could you buy me a neat set of brassieres?"
"No."
"But my nipples are already prominent and it catches attention."
"Nope."
"It will be just proper at my age..."
"I said no way...!"
"But all of my friends wear......!"
"David! How many times must I tell you that bras are for girls!?"
Mirror Mirror
A woman comes home and tells her husband,
"Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
"She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"
His funeral services will be held on Monday.
How Business is done
Jack, a smart businessman, talks to his son.Jack: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son : "I will choose my own bride!"
Jack: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."
Son : "Well, in that case..."
Next Jack approaches Bill Gates.
Jack: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"
Jack: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case..."
Finally Jack goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Jack: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President: "But I already have more vice-presidents than I need!"
Jack: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President: "Ah, in that case..."
This is how business is done!!
How India Got Its Name?
The king was having sex with his mistress
while thinking a name of his country
and his mistress ask him "is it In Dear?".
Stone?
Boy 1: Why do you run from a naked lady?
Boy 2: Because my mum said that if I look at a naked lady, I' ll turn into stone. A part of me is getting hard already.
Pink Curtains for WHAT?
A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains".
The salesman assures her that they have a large election of pink curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing. Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs.
The blonde promptly replies, "fifteen inches"
"Fifteen inches???" Asked the salesman. "That sounds very small, what room are they for?"
The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room; they are for her computer monitor.
The surprised salesman replies, ”but Miss, computers do not need curtains!"
The blonde says, ”Hellllooooooooo…………… I've got Windoooooows!"
Computer Error Code
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Rick the computer guy, to come over. Rick clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error..."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired:
"An ID ten T error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?"
The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote out....... I D 1 0 T
Love Letter
(Consider using this form letter the next time you're planning on courting someone from work.)
Dearest [Woman's Name],
I am very happy to inform you that I have feelings for you since Tuesday, the 15th of August 2006.
With reference to the meeting held between us on the 15th of August 2006 at 1500 hours, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover. Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent. Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on-the-relationship training and relationship appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse.
The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broad-minded enough, to be taken care of, on your expense account.
I request you to kindly respond within 30days of receiving this letter, failing which,this offer would be canceled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else.
I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.
Thanking you in anticipation.
Yours sincerely,
Contagious diseases
Dear Fellow Friends,
As if we didn't have enough to worry about with the outbreaks of Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome (SARS), the Ministry of Health is now asking the public to be on the lookout for symptoms of the following new contagious diseases.
ASSMA - Severe rashes around the mouth caused by kissing too much ass. The No. 1 disease in Malaysia. Civil servants are unusually at risk.
DIALARRHOEA - Uncontrollable urge to continually dial friends on mobile phone to share with them such important information as "I'm now on the LRT" or "I'm walking towards the car." Victims can be recognized by large, twitching thumb. MEESLES - Blotchy skin condition caused by eating too many packets of instant noodles
MULTIPLE SPOUSOSIS - Affliction whereby victims make frequent trips to Thailand, Indonesia, and China to take on additional brides. Middle-aged men are at significant risk. YELLOW FEVER - Compulsion to date Asian females. Very common affliction amongst foreign talent/expatriates working in Malaysia. Also known as Pinkerton's Disease.
TOTONUS - Flushed complexion, high blood pressure and sometimes depression at finding out one has not touched lottery. HEAVYTITIS - Excessively large breasts. This disease comes in several variant strains: Heavytitis A, Heavytitis B, Heavytitis C and sometimes Heavytitis DD.
CYBERTENSION - Feelings of stress and panic caused by lack of internet access. DYEBETES - A compulsive need to colour one's hair. Reddish brown tints are the most common symptom, but health authorities have reported a new strain of blond highlights.
CHICKEN TOX - Victims exhibit a great need to talk cock. Incurable and highly contagious. Spread by ordinary conversation, and may be exacerbated by good food and alcohol. Politicians and lawyers are especially susceptible. Incurable. Please be careful of what you may pick up here in Malaysia... You can never be too careful!
Have a healthy day!
Office Memo
Dear Staff ,It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada sneakers & carrying a Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better,so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise. PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday. LUNCH BREAK:Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.SICK DAYS:We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offence,your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.SURGERY:As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns,complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.Have a nice week.Management
Malaysian Drivers!!!
1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn:
IPOH driver.
2. One hand on wheel,
one hand out the window with cigarette:
KEPONG driver.
3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window,
cutting across all lanes of traffic:
DOWNTOWN KUALA LUMPUR driver.
4. One hand on wheel, one hand on parang,
foot solidly on accelerator:
JOHOR driver.
5. One hand on wheel, one hand on non-fat double
decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on
accelerator, hands-free on the lap:
BANGSAR driver.
6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on
brake, quivering in terror:
FOREIGNER, driving in MALAYSIA.
7. One hand on 12 oz. double shot latte, one knee
on wheel, talking on cell phone, foot on brake,
mind on radio game, banging head on
steering wheel while stuck in traffic:
SUBANG JAYA DRIVER.....
on the Federal Highway!!!
8. One hand on wheel, one hand on passengers
head rest, alternating between both feet being on
the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing
rambutans or durian shells out the window:
KARAK HIGHWAY; KUANTAN driver.
9. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, READY-TO-KILL
attitude, rear window stickers read
"Make my day", beer cans on floor,
wedding ribbon still attached to antenna:
CONSTRUCTION SITE....
PUCHONG driver!
10.One hand on the handphone, another hand picking nose,
eating in the car, One leg on the dash board,
another leg crossed on the seat with a beer can in the
middle ~ turning anywhere he likes,
parking anywhere he likes, in fact,
driving anywhere he likes. aaahhh.....
this is a heaven for drivers......
welcome to PENANG!
11. Two hands gripping tightly to the wheel, eyes
glued on the windscreen, alternately stepping on
the accelerator and brakes every 5 seconds.
WOMAN DRIVER!
See the Differences?
Some reasons to be grateful if you grew up speaking English
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
present the present.
8) At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
22) I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.
Adult's Talk
John woke up one morning with an enormous erectionso he turned over to his wife's side of the bed.His wife, Heather, had already awakened though,and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in thekitchen. Afraid that he might spoil things bygetting up, John called his little boy into the roomand asked him to bring it to his wife. The note read:The Tent Pole Is Up,The Canvas Is Spread,The Hell With Breakfast,Come Back To Bed.Heather answered the note and then asked her sonto bring it to her husband. The note read:Take The Tent Pole Down,Put The Canvas Away,The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,No Circus Today.John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply.Then, he asked his son to bring it to his wife.The note read:The Tent Pole's Still Up,And The Canvas Still Spread,So Drop What You're Doing,And Come Give Me Some Head.Heather answered the note and then asked her sonto bring it to her husband. The note read:I'm Sure That Your Pole'sThe Best In The Land.But I'm Busy Right Now,So Do It By Hand!
Is not as Easy as You Think
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes;but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, yet the plural of moose should never be meese. You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice;yet the plural of house is houses, not hice. If the plural of man is always called men,why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet, and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?Then one may be that, and three would be those, yet hat in the plural would never be hose, and the plural of cat is cats, not cose. We speak of a brother and also of brethren,but though we say mother we never say methren. Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.
