Still Wana Be Teacher?
TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?
STUDENT: Seven.
TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?
STUDENT: Nine.
TEACHER: That's impossible.
STUDENT: No, it isn't, Teacher. I'm eight today.
SUBSTITUTE TEACHER: Are you chewing gum?
BILLY: No, I'm Billy Anderson.
TEACHER: Didn't you promise to behave?
STUDENT: Yes, Sir.
TEACHER: And didn't I promise to punish you if you didn't?
STUDENT: Yes, Sir, but since I broke my promise, I don't
expect you to keep yours.
TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.
HAROLD: Teacher, would you punish me for something I
didn't do?
TEACHER: Of course not.
HAROLD: Good, because I didn't do my homework.
TEACHER: I hope I didn't see you looking at Don's paper.
JOHN: I hope you didn't either.
GARY: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test.
TEACHER: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.
MOTHER: Why did you get such a low mark on that test?
JUNIOR: Because of absence.
MOTHER: You mean you were absent on the day of the test?
JUNIOR: No, but the kid who sits next to me was.
SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.
TEACHER: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about
your son.
FATHER : What's that?
TEACHER: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.
TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
SAMMY: You can't fool me, Teacher... snakes don't have feet.
HYGIENE TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by
biting insects?
JOSE : Don't bite any.
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
ELLEN : I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
TEACHER: Max, use "defeat," "defense," and "detail" in
a sentence!
MAX: The rabbit cut across the field, and defeat went
over defense before detail.
MOTHER : Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
JUNIOR : You said it was my lunch money.
TEACHER: If you received $10 from 10 people, what would
you get?
SASHA: A new bike.
TEACHER: If you had one dollar and you asked your father
for another, how many dollars would you have?
VINCENT: One dollar.
TEACHER: (sadly) You don't know your arithmetic.
VINCENT: (sadly) You don't know my father.
TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight
oranges in the other, what would I have?
CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands!
BOY : Isn't the principal a dummy!
GIRL: Say, do you know who I am?
BOY : No.
GIRL: I'm the principal's daughter.
BOY : And do you know who I am?
GIRL: No.
BOY : Thank goodness!
Make Sense?
A French teacher was explaining to her class that unlike in English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. House is feminine: "la maison". Pencil is masculine: "le crayon".
A student asked, "What gender is computer?" Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether the word "computer" should be masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The male group decided that the word "computer" should definitely be the feminine gender ("la computer") because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later review; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay cheque on accessories for it.
The women's group oppositely concluded that computers should be of the masculine ("le computer") because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem, and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won. Yeah, women rulez.....
Classic Definitions & Cool Meanings
1. Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.2. Love affairs : Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test. 3. Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either". 4. Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
5. Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece. 6. Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power . 7. Dictionary : A place where divorce comes before marriage.
8. Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.
9. Ecstasy : A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before. 10. Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read. 11. Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight. 12. Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life. 13. Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth. 14. Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do. 15. Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
16. Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.
17. Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions. 18. Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
19. Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip. 20. Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river. 21. Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."
22. Pessimist : A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.
23. Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich. 24. Father : A banker provided by nature.25. Criminal : A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught. 26. Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early. 27. Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after. 28. Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you >with his bills.
29. Computer Engineer : One who gets paid for reading such mails......!
25 Wisdoms
1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian
any more than going to a garage makes you a
mechanic.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural
stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the
one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room
with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion
that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and
opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you
probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed
of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other
parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth.
Deal with it.
15. No husband has ever been shot while doing
the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind
and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than
coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and
throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you
counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you
to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they
move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice
contrast to the real world.
25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves
for they shall never cease to be amused.
Sleep More
When I was young, I went to town to work with a group of
friends during our summer holidays of two months. Being
young and away from home for the first time, we drank and
smoke like nobody's business.
One night, we were pissed drunk and flagged the last bus
down to go home.
Being tired, we slept in the bus.
It had been awhile that I fell asleep. I was awake by the
chilly wind. I was shocked to find that there was no one
in the bus, and I was the last passenger. I looked in front
to check out for the driver. But the driver was no where
in sight. Yet, the bus was moving.
I panicked shitless. I rubbed my eyes to make sure that I
was not dreaming. The night was dark and cold. I hysterically
jumped out from the bus and tried to run as hard as I could
to get away.
Then I heard someone yelled at me from behind the bus.
"Hey! Don't run away! Come over here and help to push the bus!"
yelled the bus driver.
I saw my other friends helping to push the bus, which broke
down while I was asleep.
Fried Egg
When I was young, I have two friends who were very close to each other. They played with each other everyday. It was like, if you see A, you would see B next to him. They were always together.
A loved fried eggs. Whenever he went out for lunch or dinner, without fail, he would ask for fried egg on top of his noodles, fried rice, etc.
One day, A involved in an accident and died.
B was devastated. B went to the cemetery to pray everyday. He would go to the nearest restaurant and ta pao a box of fried rice with an egg on top to be offered to A when he went to pray to him.
The next day, he opened the box and there was no egg inside! B was petrified. He thought, must be A who came and took the fried egg away.
The same thing happened the next day and the day after that.
B was confused. So, one day, he asked the chef to make the same fried rice with a fried egg again. Then, he went to the cemetery to offer it to A. Curiously; he opened the box to check for the egg. He was angry to find that, there was no fried egg in the box after all.
Feeling that he had been cheated, he went back to the restaurant and demanded to see the Chef. "Where is the fried egg?? I told you there must be a fried egg inside!! You have cheated me for a few days now! Gimme back my money!!"
Then, the Chef got really angry and opened the box – the fried egg was inside the box.
The Chef said, "Stupid! You open the box upside down. No wonder you cannot see the egg!!"
Koay Teow Soup
When I was young, I lived in a deserted kampong deep in
the jungle. Every night,my mother would ask me not to go
home too late as there won't be any transportation after
a certain time.
One night, before going home, I ta pao a kueh teow soup
for supper. I was late and I waited for the taxi/bus but
there was none. I was getting worried as the night was
getting darker and darker. So I tried to flag down
private vehicles to take me home. There was no one
stopping for me, till one motorcyclist took compensation
on me and stopped to give me a lift.
He was a man with a kind face. I accepted his offer and
got onto his motorbike. On the way home, we would pass
by a temple. At night, the temple would look eerily
spooky with the dim lights from the candles. At first,
the motorcyclist was warm and friendly. When the temple
was approaching, the motorcyclist eyes grow much bigger.
His kind face turned to a face of anger. He was muttering
something loud but was not audible to me. I was so scared
that I closed my eyes in order not to see his angry face.
Then, the motorcyclist stopped in front of the temple and
then yelled at me. "Your kueh teow soup is so hot!It is
burning my thigh! Can you please move it away???"
Funny Quotes
I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
If you are a vegetarian just to be nice to animals...then why are you eating their food?
Why does life have to keep teaching me lessons when i have no desire to work?
Prevent hangover, stay drunk :)
Good things come to those who wait, but all the excellent stuff would be gone by then.
Dont be too irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced you can't be promoted.
When women go wrong, men go right after them.
