Once upon a time in Singapore , there lived a happy couple, Mr. & Mrs. Ng with their 3 lovely daughters; Elaine, Ena & Ella. The 3 daughters were brought up in a prim-and-proper way and when they reached 20, they were still virgins.
Years passed, and it was time to get them married. So, the parents found them the most suitable ' leng chais' (handsome guys). They got married and were preparing to set-off on their honeymoon. As 'concerned' (more like 'kay-poh') parents, Mr.& Mrs. Ng were curious about their daughters' first-night experience.
So, before the daughters went on their respective honeymoons, Mrs. Ng told them......'Your father and I want to know about your 1st night encounters and whether you are satisfied. Write a letter to us, but as not to raise your husbands' curiosity... you all must use a code-name to describe your experiences'.
So, the excited daughters were off. A week passed. Mr. & Mrs. Ng got the first letter.It was from Elaine. They opened the letter and found the word STANDARD CHARTERED. They immediately took the newspaper and looked for the Standard Chartered advertisement.
'Ah! here it is!', exclaimed Mr. Ng. The motto for Standard Chartered was... 'BIG, STRONG & FRIENDLY'
Mr & Mrs. Ng were happy.
A week later, they got another letter. This time it was from Ena. The content was simple. 'NESCAFE'. So, again they took the newspaper and looked for the Nescafe ad.
'Ah! here it is.' 'NESCAFE: PLEASURE TILL THE LAST DROP'.
Mr. & Mrs. Ng beamed with joy.
Another week passed. A month passed. And another. There was still no letter from Ella. The Ngs became worried. Finally, the letter came. It was scribbled and could hardly be read, but Mrs. Ng managed to figure it out. The code-name was 'SINGAPORE AIRLINES'. Why Singapore Airlines? Mr.Ng rushed to the nearest store and got a newspaper. He flipped the pages frantically.
'Ah! Here it is!' Mrs. Ng grabbed the page and read aloud. Before she could finish ...THUMP!!!. ..she fell off her chair. The motto was ...'7 TIMES A WEEK. 4 TO 6 TIMES A DAY. NON-STOP'.
A Japanese man was in a hurry to go to the KLIA airport, so he took a Proton taxi. The taxi driver took his sweet time driving within the speed limit but the Japanese was getting impatient.
The following is their conversation on the way to the airport.
A Toyota Camry overtook the taxi.....zoom....
Jap: Look ..look ..Toyota!! ...very fast!!!....Made in Japan! Proton...no good.... made in Malaysia.
Driver: yah....
After a few minutes a Nissan overtook the taxi....zoom.
Jap: look.... look.... Nissan!!!..... very good!! very fast! Made in Japan! Proton.... no good.... made in Malaysia
Driver: yah....yah...
After a few minutes a Honda overtook the taxi...zooom!
Jap: look.... look... Honda!!.... very GOOD!!....very fast!!....Made in Japan! Proton...no good...made in Malaysia
Driver: yah...yah...yah....!
Arriving at the airport, the Japanese was about to pay the taxi driver.
Jap: How much?
Driver: RM150/-
Jap: Oh...very expensive..... you overcharge! !
Driver: Noooo ... look .... look .... Sony meter!!....very good!!....very fast!.... Made in Japan!
A Grade 1 teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom with the 1st half of a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It’s hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are 6 year olds, because the last answer is a classic!
1. Don’t change horses…. …until they stop running.
After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization", a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.
Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"
Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"
Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question.
If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. "
Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"
Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"
Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.
Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.
He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday! " It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, " Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back." "Ok," I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake .. Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co- workers, all singing "Happy Birthday.
Ah Seng wants to make love with Ah Lian but he is afraid that Ah Lian will get pregnant, so he approaches his friend Ah Beng for advice.
Ah Beng said "Aiya, very easy one lah. Nah, take this packet of condoms and follow the instructions, nothing will happen one." So Ah Seng takes the condom and at night makes love with Ah Lian. Two months later, Ah Seng comes to look for Ah Beng and tells him that Ah Lian is pregnant.
"Cannot be what, did you follow the instructions or not?" asks Ah Beng.
"Na -bei! Got lah. The box says "Stretch the condom over organ before intercourse, I got no organ, so I stretch it over my piano loh."
Ah Beng to a long-distance telephone.. Ah Beng: Could you please tell me the time difference between Taipei and Las Vegas? Operator: Just a minute… Ah Beng: Thank You. And Ah Beng hang up..
At a bar in New York, the man to Ah Beng's left tells the bartender," JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE." and his companion says, "JACK DANIELS, SINGLE."
The bartender approaches Ah Beng and asks," AND YOU, SIR?" Ah Beng replies," Tan Ah Beng, MARRIED."
After completing a jigsaw puzzle he'd been working on quite for some time, Ah Beng proudly shows off the finished puzzle to a friend.
"It took me ONLY FIVE MONTHS TO DO IT," Ah Beng brags. "FIVE MONTHS? THAT'S TOO LONG," the friend exclaims."YOU ARE A FOOL." Ah Beng replies," NO LAH, SEE THIS BOX, IT IS WRITTEN FOR 4-7YRS, LEH!"
Ah Beng took part in the Singapore Manhunt Competition. During the Q&A segment, the host asks, "Name a drink that begins with the letter 'G'." The crowd shouts, "Gin! Gin!" Others exclaim, "No it's Grape Juice!" Another smart aleck yells, "Alamak, Gatorade!" Host: "Quiet please."
Ah Beng laughs hysterically like a hyena before replying, "C'mon man, you think I need your help? I got more original answer: Guni!"(cow milk in Hokkien).
Ah Beng had just bought a new computer and was using it when he encountered some problems. He decided to use the 'Help' command. After some tries, he became irritated and called the computer retailer for support.
Ah Beng:" I pressed the 'F1' key for help…but it's been over half an hour and still nobody has came to help me???" Computer Retailer:...............
In an English class: Teacher: "Class, do you know the meaning of parents?" Ah Beng: "Yes, teacher, it means father and mother." Teacher: "Good. Can you give me an example?" Ah Beng: "Sure. Cowboy's parents mean cowboy's father and mother. Also can say Cowboy's father is Cow Pay and Cowboy's mother is Cow Boo. So together we say Cow Pay Cow Boo (KPKB)." Teacher fainted...............
Ah Beng with his two red ears went to his doctor. The doctor asked him what happened to his ears and he answered," I was ironing a shirt and the phone ring loh but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear. So kena loh!"
"Oh dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But…what happen to the other ear?"
"Aiyah! That stoooopid dumbo called back!"
Ah Beng and Ah Seng rent a boat and goes fishing in a lake everyday. One day, they caught 30 fishes. Ah Beng said to Ah Seng," Mark this spot so that we can come back here again tomorrow."
The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, Ah Beng asked Ah Seng," Did you mark that spot?"
Ah Seng replied," Yeah, I put a big X on the bottom of the boat,"
Ah Beng said," You stupid fool! What if we don't get that same boat today !?!?"
Ah Beng and Ah Seng exited and locked the car in a hurry, forgetting to remove the key which was in the ignition. Realizing the mistake, Ah Beng asked," Why don't we get a coat hanger to open it?"
"No, that won't work," answered Ah Seng." People might think we're trying to break in."
Then Ah Beng suggested," What if we use a pocket knife to cut the rubber, then stuck a finger in and pull up the lock?"
"No," said Ah Seng. "People will think we're too dumb to use a coat hanger."
The "kan cheong" Ah Beng shouted," We better think of something fast. It's staring to rain and the sunroof is open!!!"
Ah Beng serving his NS overseas and far from home, was annoyed and upset when his girl Ah Lian wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back. He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them to her with a note stating the following: "Regret cannot remember which one is you.......... please keep your photo and return the others."
Once Ah Beng , Ah Seng and Ah Lian went for dinner at the Compass Rose at the top of the Westin Stamford . After dinner, they went to the lift scanned the buttons and couldn't find the button for the first floor. Ah Beng suggested taking the stairs but Ah Lian decided to press the lift button "G". They found themselves on the first ground and Ah Beng remarked, "Wah, you so smart, ah. How did you know this was ground floor?"
Ah Lian replied ," Aiyah so simple you also dunno! "G" stands for gero loh!"
One evening, Ah Beng and Ah Lian went to a lounge and requested the DJ to play the song "Ah Cheng Buey Lo Ti" (Ah Cheng buys bread). The DJ told them they only played English songs and asked them to request another song. They were upset and complained to the manager that the DJ was insulting them. After many hours of calming them down, the manager found out they were actually requesting the Righteous Brothers song, "Unchained Melody".
Ah Beng and Ah Seng went to a hawker centre. Ah Seng noticed the hygiene grades issued by the Ministry of Health pasted at each stall and asked Ah Beng, "Eh, the 'A', 'B', 'C' and 'D' stand for what ah?"
Ah Beng snorted and said, "Aiyah, this sort of thing you also dunno! 'D' stand for 'delicious', 'C' stand for 'can eat', 'B' stand for 'buay sai' (cannot) and 'A' stand for 'Alamak'!"
Test for Idiocy Below are four(4)questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK? Let's find out just how clever you really are....Ready? GO!!!
First Question: You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person, you take his place, so you are second!Try not to screw up next time. Now answer the second question,but don't take as much time as you took for the first one, OK ?
Second Question: If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person? You're not very good at this, are you?
Third Question: Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only.Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it. Take 1000 and add 40 to it.. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30.Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000Now add 10 . What is the total?
Answer: You get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100.I f you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!Today is definitely not your day, is it? Maybe you'll get the last question right..... Maybe.
Fourth Question: Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?
Answer: Did you answer Nunu? NO! Of course it isn't. Her name is Mary. Read the question again!
Bonus Question: A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?
Answer:He just has to open his mouth and ask... It's really very simple.... Like you!
